It’s rare that one experience can completely transform you. Burn you to smithereens and you wake up brand new. That’s what the summit did for me.
This is a story of saying yes. We talk about this in Mondo Beyondo. That dreaming big is about being brave, strengthening our courage muscles, flexing our flexibility, opening to our openness. It’s being willing to be vulnerable. And if I ever wondered if I was walking the walk of Mondo Beyondo these days? A few weeks ago I might not have been completely sure. Was I the most alive version of myself? Was I going to the edges of my courage? Was I becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be? Well, today I know for sure. YES. Hell yes.
What you might not know about me is that I am afraid of public speaking. Like really, really afraid. Like panic-attack-might-not-actually-survive-in-fact-might-actually-die afraid. I avoid interviews, toasts at weddings and offering blessings at baby showers. I am called to teach but shy away from it. I don’t like giving my opinion. I sometimes get nervous leaving voicemail messages.
I’m afraid to use my voice.
But sometimes we are called to say yes anyway.
We said yes because it was such a delightful opportunity– it was Chris Guillebeau who we love, it was Portland, Oregon who I am majorly crushed out on, it was the World Domination Summit! It was an easy yes. It was an emphatic yes! even though a voice in the back of my mind shouted, Are you effin crazy girlfriend??? Do you remember what happened last time you said yes to something like this? (For those of you who don’t remember, I had my first ever panic attack. It was a doozy)
Our talk was scheduled for Sunday morning and Saturday night it happened. I went to bed and slept for about an hour and then woke up with a start. My heart pounded violently, my body would get really hot, then really shivery, I was nauseated and cold. I was alone in a hotel room without my baby. But this time I knew what was happening. And I did something really kind for myself.
I didn’t add to the suffering.
It was as if I was an old friend seated next to myself: “You’re having a panic attack and it’s really, really going to be okay. You can be like this all night. I don’t mind at all. In fact, you don’t have to sleep at all tonight and you will still be able to do that talk tomorrow. It’s no problem. We can just watch bad TV in this great hotel room. We can eat all the snickers bars in the mini bar! No matter what, you’re going to be okay.”
It was a couple of hours more of this before I fell asleep, only to wake again at 5am. But I didn’t die! 😉 And I am moved by the kindness I showed myself.
And guess what? I can tell you guys this because I know you will celebrate with me. And this is a big one people.
We rocked the house.
We ROCKED the sh*t out of that talk!!!
And I felt amazing while we were up there. Alive, connected and joyous.
I prayed that I would be in my skin while we were up there, I prayed it would have an impact, I prayed that someone would be healed by it, I prayed that it would be an experience that transformed me (and maybe someone else) forever.
At the end of our talk we announced that we did something really irrational/outrageous/mondo. We told the crowd that we handwrote 500 blessings, one for each person, and pasted them underneath every single chair. There were shrieks and cheers as people read theirs. Some burst into tears. Then, very spontaneously, they stood up and cheered for us! It was truly amazing and overwhelming. I’ve never felt so brave.
On the airplane on the way to Portland, I closed my eyes and asked the universe for something. My request went something like this: Universe? Will you send me a treat this weekend? Just a little something that will remind me that someone is listening, that I am connected to source, that I am safe?”
Matt and I are a wee bit obsessed with a show on Hulu called Make it Or Break It. It’s a teen drama about a group of elite gymnasts who are trying to get to the Olympics. We LOVE this show and have invested an inordinate amount of time feeling connected to these characters. I’ve even had dreams where our favorite girl shows up.
Okay guys, so get this.
I walked out of the elevator at the hotel in Portland and guess who was there when the doors slid open? Payson Keeler, our favorite girl from Make it Or Break It! Actually, it was the actress who plays Payson, but I literally gasped and grabbed her, and made her miss the elevator, and talked really fast and told her how much I adored her and that Matt and I watch her show on Hulu every night and how she is our favorite… And she was lovely and gracious and might have even hugged me.
And as I walked away grinning wide, I realized that this was my treat from the Universe and more importantly, that something big might just be true– that it’s safe to say yes even when we’re afraid, that we are always connected to something bigger, and that we are held especially tight when we feel the most vulnerable.
*All photos above taken by Armosa Studios
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Oh, that’s so beautiful, Andrea, I’m beaming right now.
I have panic attacks, too. I hope the next time one wakes me up during the night, I remember this post and be as kind to myself as you were to you.
xo
WOW !!! :)))
oh girl i am so happy for you!!! and jen!!! this had me in tears of joy!! 🙂
panic attacks suck big time – i was brought to me knees by them this last year. I just got DRUGS for occasional use from my doctor. And for me this was a huge step forward getting help not just stuggling through along.
BUT YAY YAY YAY FOR YOU!
WOO HOO!!!!! Good for you! I like saying those kind of yeses, too.
I found your blog randomly and it’s so weird, because yesterday I wrote a blog post called A Day of YES! It was a different topic (saying Yes to a child)… maybe it’s not so different. Anyway, I had tears in my eyes reading your post. I am really shy, but I feel like I have so much inside to give. You make me feel like it’s possible. It seems like all of the right messages are coming to me right now. It’s a great feeling. Thank you!
I am SO happy for you – and SO inspired by the power of a little self-kindness. Let’s keep spreading the word!
Love and appreciate every word, thought, happening you’ve shared here. *high 5*
This has to be one of your best posts. There is the transmission of some serious bravery here (and thanks for the reminder about self-kindness). Feeling blissed (yes, blissed) by your treat and your success; in all ways it happens after the fear and the terror wash over and past you.
I have had one panic attack before and it wasn’t fun.
I’m so glad you were so kind to yourself.
And I LOVE hearing that you rocked the talk!
What a lucky group to be able to experience that!
I loved your session. It is really hard to get a huge group like that engaged in such a small space, and yet you transformed us.
I wrote a post about it today. http://www.exploringnewoptions.com/sharing-your-gift/
I am SO inspired by reading your story of how the two of you ROCKED it (love that choice of words as I always feel performers at a rock concert probably don’t feel more alive ever than at that moment).
LOVE the pictures of the two of you – I particularly like how you’re looking at Jen.
BTW, I’m a speaker too and I still get a bit nervous every time I talk, and I’ve been talking for 22 years. And yes, NOTHING makes me feel more alive than that.
SO, SO proud of the two of you!
From a big fan and Mondo Beyondo-er in South Africa
i don’t think i ever posted before but today i can’t help it. awesome, awesome, awesome! so wish i could have been there to revel in the awesomeness! go, andrea!
Beyond words wonderful…thanks fir sharing it.
I am struggling mightily with how to use my voice and saying yes-but in different ways.
You inspired me to say yes and ask the universe.
So glad to be connected to your web of wonderful!!
Congratulations!! Excellent work!!
This made me so happy I cried. Thank you, so much, for being you.
Wow.. I’d say the Universe definitely heard you!! How Exciting!!! I love it when you asked the Universe for a treat. I will be asking the Universe for just the same….Thank You for that!
Bravo on your Bravery!!!
Andrea, the fears you noted (using your voice), I have those too. Often, I see how they limit me. Geeze, just thinking about doing what you did (giving a talk to many – go you!) makes me feel nervous! Nevertheless, there is hope. I know my quiet voice has things to say, I have things to say and share. I’m so happy for you, there is such great energy in your words and in you.
YES! YES! YES!
I am so moved and so proud and so happy to know YOU are in the world!!! 🙂
Just makes me crazy happy to read this!!
Wow. You are so completely in tune with the universe it’s amazing.
I am soooooo happy for you, proud of you, and jealous that you get to spend so much time and love and energy and laughter with Jen. As Chris planned that summit, I looked on wistfully, wishing I could attend. And now that I know you and Jen were there, I wish even more that I could have been there in that audience, reaching under my seat for a blessing of yours. But I know that reading your words here, looking at your photos, gazing into the wonder of you as a mother, wife, friend, teacher, and dream doula – all of those are blessings for me.
What a super cool answer to your prayer – your favorite make it or break it girl showed up. Actually, you showed up as your favorite girl first, making and breaking all kinds of things along the way – and then the actress showed up to reaffirm you and reward you for your bravery! You are the bomb, girl. The straight up bomb!!!
Thanks so much for telling this story.
So very proud of you, beautiful one.
xx
Yay!! I knew you rocked that talk, because I read about it on Zen Habits yesterday. But so happy to hear your own description of it:)
That’s so awesome!!! This made me so happy that I cried. For you. For everyone in the room who got to hear the two of you. For all of us who got to share your experience through your post.
You are one of those people who makes me feel like things are possible. Thank you.
xoxo
Yeah baby! You two are so awesome. So incredibly inspired to read this and hope someone somewhere has a video or transcript of the epic talk it seems like everyone is talking about.
Great post Andrea! I’m so proud of you for getting through that panic attack! Being that gentle with yourself is not easy. I’m in your Mondo Beyondo class right now and I had been wondering why Jen does all of the audio interviews….I guess I got my answer! LOL Maybe now that you are feeling stronger with your voice you will consider doing some kind of audio for Mondo Beyondo? For some reason I’m really craving hearing your voice. I’ve read your words for 10 years but I’ve never heard your voice. That would be my ‘treat from the universe’. xxoo
Yes! This was totally what I needed to be reminded of today! Great job on the talk… I’m so glad you nailed it!
Dear Andrea, I can just imagine that you DID rock the house at WDS, just like you did your class at SAW(which I attended, and from which I carry your sweet energy to this day; you’re such a wonderful teacher)! I would’ve loved to see you and Jen speak, and am so glad you did it – I can imagine how inspiring you both were. And I’m thinking of your experience in light of just having told a friend that I’ll speak to a couple of her middle-grade writing classes about what it’s like to be an editor. You’d think that, because they’re kids, maybe I’d feel less nervous…but I’m not! Perhaps I’m even more nervous, because I want so badly to be that right voice for some dreamy kiddo who wants to make books like I did at that age. That kiddo is why I had to say “yes”! The decision to say “no” was never really in my hands. So, now my job is just to show up and do my best – and hopefully I’ll remember to be brave, too, like you! 🙂
This made me tear up. And feels like a call to be brave myself. Thank you for your blog.
oh yes you DID rock it! you two were wonderful, and graceful, and seemingly relaxed and confident and at ease. the crowd adored you (of course), and i think you really made a huge impact.
i too have an immense fear of speaking in public, much like you described yours. i get it. i’m so happy that you nurtured your way through it, and felt so amazing in the end.
thank you, and to jen, for the goodness you shared. it is so valued.
xo.
🙂 giddy baby! Just giddy over this one!
Andrea, you are so effing amazing. I love this blog and I am so not surprised that you rocked it out. Mazel Tov!!
You’re pretty amazing! Thank you for sharing your voice, your story and your true self with all of us. You inspire me…..truly.
I just love you.
Nothing more big than that.
🙂
You are simply awesome. I really appreciate your blog & all the amazing things you do!
Congratulations Andrea and Jen! I would have loved to have seen you in all of your wonderful, inspiring glory!
Hot damn, woman! You are a rock star! And I’m proud to know ya! Wish I could have been in the audience to cheer you on in person, but (from the couch) yahoooooo Andrea! You go, girl! xxxooo
i would love to hear more about the handwritten blessings! how cool! can i get one?! very inspiring story. thank you. xo
I’m in tears. What a beautiful, beautiful person you are. Your blog and mondo beyondo course have been and are a huge source of empowerment to me. Just last week, I climbed my personal mountain as I was attending a very important seminar in a far away country. I’ve been struggling with my scientific career lately, feeling I’m just not capable and at the same time loving the job, all the things I get to discover. When I was invited to this seminar with some REALLY big names in my field, I was thrilled, but also terrified. Well, I went there, talked to these amazing people and they actually appreciated my work and gave me a lot of new ideas. In the moments when I was panicking about going to speak to some of the gurus, I whispered ‘mondo beyondo’ to myself and just went. And it all turned out all right, and even better. It turned out into more self-confidence and enthusiasm towards my work. Thank you Andrea.
YAHOOOOOOOooooooooOOOOO!!! Rock ON sistah! So so so proud and happy for you!
xoxo
Wow! thanks for sharing this story and for your courage. I was at WDS. YOu and Jen were the highlights of the conference. Your personal touch/connection via the blessings touched everyone’s hearts. Mine was a blessing for dancing to connect to my soul – and I LOVE dancing. thanks! On my arm, I wrote “trust”! Much love to you both and hope to get a chance to meet again in person one day since I live across the Bay in Redwood City. Marie-Jeanne
What a great story-thanks for sharing it! I wish someone would have videotaped it so those of us who couldn’t be there in person could still watch and listen to all the important things you had to say. Congratulations!
Thank you Andrea. You are a WONDERFUL person. What you do is just plain GOOD.
The MondoBeyondo course i followed last Fall changed my life and reading you helps me, again and again.
Thank YOU.
Jeez, this reduced me to a teary blubbery mess. Can’t stop crying and can hardly see what I type through the tears.
I am so glad you got to speak. I do so hope one day I get to meet you. MB really has changed my life. You know the past two weeks were crap, but I do call crap now by its name and it makes it less scary. I know that this phase will pass and I can just be kind to myself. Whereas before a phase like this would have made me quit, made me question everything, be harsh to myself… now I take a step back and try to take my time.
I have come so far in the past two years. It is quite incredible. Thanks to you and Jen.
Thank you (as always) for your honesty and kindness to yourself (and others). For those of us still learning how to be honest and kind to ourselves, it’s incredibly valuable to see it modeled.
Thanks for being brave and dreaming big!
Just allowing whatever is here, welcoming it, not fighting it. That’s the key. Why is is that we know it, and yet we have to learn it over and over? I am moved to tears by this post. I think of you as a Buddha with the gift of passing on the most important lessons. Thank you.
wow, your post had me nodding along, gave me chills, and tears too. what an amazing journey and moment to own your voice and fear. completely inspiring!
So delighted for you and Jen…so deserving of the YES that life has to offer…
oxox
Trish
So inspiring.
I have been waiting for this post. We all have.
YAYYYYYYYYY you + jen!!!
xox
wow! so happy for you, andrea…for your self-compassion, for your amazing, soulful talk, for your treat. for stepping into your yes with courage and embodying it, living it. and so grateful for your inspiration. thank you.
Your so cool, da bomb, da balm. xox
Like a bucket overflowing right now…Man I needed to read these words today!
WAY-TO-GO Andrea!
Kudos for it all….the kindness, the courage, and the vulnerability to share it with all of us. Thank you, xo
Awesome! Xo.
Freaking amazing. This post, this story, everything about all of this. This post literally made my day.
And since so many people have written so many other positive things, I have to ask the question I am dying to ask. How tall are you and Jen? I think it might be skewed perspective but in that first picture you look like you have a significant height difference. My husband is a foot taller than me so I always notice that kind of thing.
You ARE amazing! I’m so happy for you. Thanks for sharing. Very inspirational! : )
I have tears in my eyes from reading this entry. It’s so wonderful to hear someone else talk about how they’re kind to themselves. Especially concerning panic attacks. You didn’t add to the suffering. Wow. I love that you recognize that achievement! Last fall I had a panic attack that was really strong and for a pretty long while I was able to just observe it, how it moved about in my stomach, and I wasn’t dragged along by it. I love reminding myself of that, that I have been able to be that mindful, that I managed to be that kind to myself and avoid breaking my heart. And I love hearing other people speak about their experiences with mindfulness and self-kindness. Thank you.
yes, andrea! YES! “we are held especially tight when we feel the most vulnerable.” (*writes on a postie and sticks it to the bathroom mirror*)
Wow! Double Wow! Awesome and wonderful. What a beautiful experience. Thank you for sharing it here. You are truly inspiring.
Great for you, Andrea! Thank you, as always, for sharing with us.
Thank you for this post. As yet another one who gets panic attacks, I’m holding onto the idea of “not adding to the suffering.” Thank you so much.
SO GOOD.
Thank you for this, for bringing us all into the audience, for letting us see your light. Beautifully done!
Of course you totally ROCKED the sh*t out of that talk!!! Yes! No one but you and your soul-sister could have delivered that blessing. And can I just say this, even if you hadn’t hand-written all those blessings… girl, your life pronounces blessings on others.
xoxo
ps. And I’m making notes for the anxiety attack thing. Looks like there’s lots of us out here. Yikes.
“YOU are someone who makes a difference everywhere you go. Thank You” xoxo
Amazing post, Andrea. Popped in here just when I needed it, as usual. I’m going to ask for my own little treat.
Your blog has been inspiring and comforting me for years now so I have no doubt the speech was awesome. Congratulations to you guys!!! I think I’m going to have to take Mondo Beyondo finally (-:
I’m crying from this post. CRYING. Good for you, how wonderful, amazing, inspirational. This is the kind of life I want to lead. Thank you for keeping me moving forward.
xo
hi andrea — i read regularly and soak so much of what you say in. your courage and trust in the yourself and the universe really has me thinking and hoping today. maybe i can trust to and have the courage to say yes… maybe… just maybe. xo marg
This totally choked me up. I was there and yes, you rocked the house! Most memorable presentation the whole weekend. The universe is moving with you. Thanks Andrea. (you would never have known you were nervous…. btw)
This is soooo fantastic!!! I sometimes get nervous leaving phone messages too! You are such an inspiration to me. Very grateful! xoxo
First, you both look so adorable. Had to say that.
Second, the chair notes? Made me cry and gave me goosebumps instantly upon reading.
Just beautiful…inspiring…heart expanding…
YAY YOU! 🙂
Loved this so much! Your presentation on Saturday was incredibly inspiring and the exercise with the words was brilliant! I can’t tell you how many people I walked up to all weekend asking them what ‘their word’ was. Instant conversation starter and a way to get to know the essence of people quickly.
At the end when everyone stood up clapping it made me so happy for both of you. Well deserved recognition for a perfectly executed talk.
Lots of love 🙂
Thank you for that talk, Andrea and Jen. I was so surprised and delighted when I bumped into you at PDX on the way out of WDS and found that we both had the same word written on our arms. “Brave”. Yes – I am terrified of leaving voicemails too. I am signed up for the July 5th course and I already have the beginnings of a potentially crazy mondo beyondo story coming from the Break out session. MB was my favourite takeaway from the whole of WDS. You go girl!
Finally gotta ask Dear Heart –
Why do you always wear the scarf on your hair? It seems so…I dunno…so…containing? I can’t think of the word. Even in the wedding photos a few posts ago. The scarf. Huh. Anyway. I’m not sure why, and of course it’s not my business.
It’s just….somehow with it you don’t seem free?
I love that in the color photo of you two on stage (no big screen showing), it appears that Jen is floating above the stage, still grounded (ie stable), but about 6″ up and standing on air.
I read this post twice. It made me cry so I had to read it again! Moved and inspired by your kindness…And I love the note under the chair idea — I might have to borrow it in a quiet, anonymous, non-stalker-ish way. xo
WOW! I would never have guessed it watching you up on that stage. How amazingly BRAVE of you!! Thank you for taking care of yourself so that you and Jen could share your magic with us!
I was so moved by what you two shared with us, and by the wonderful ways you thought up to help us experience Mondo Beyondo in a very personal way with partners – with the added joy of really connecting with people we hadn’t yet met.
The blessing you two wrote for me was so specific and so unusual and so directly an answer to my prayers that it moved me to tears.
As a child a very powerful person in my life would get me talking excitedly about my hopes and dreams and what I loved, and then deliberately rip them away just before or just after they came true. My mantra became that I would NEVER allow myself to dream again, so that no one could hurt me by taking them away from me. I thought I had healed most of that – but during your time on stage I could feel my heart crack open and I had a glimpse of what it would feel like to really dare to dream big again – like I haven’t done since I was a child and full of beautiful dreams.
This world SO needs what you two are doing; and you’re doing it with such power and such bravery and such love! THANK you! NAMASTE!
LOVED this Andrea!!!
Oh my god! Exceptionally, wonderfully cool!! So glad I read about this– these stories help give us all license to reach out and be just as brave.
You guys look so *vital* in the shots too. Awesomeness personified 🙂
Oh, you gorgeous and wonderful girl. This post felt like magic to me. So much of what you write does. I need some Mondo – need some … magic. -telling. -fresh belief. I like being reminded it is there. Huge xo.
congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you have been so brave in being kind to you during the panic attack!!!!
and I am so happy for your talk at the WDS, I soooo wish I could have been there!!!
thank you so much for sharing this, your being so brave is a great inspiration!!!
I remember that post – and reading this one just made me so damn proud of you in so many ways.
This is only the beginning!
Andrea – YOU are ROCKING the S&*T out of your life! Go Go GO!!
Merci Madame!
the notes under the seats made me cry.
I’m so burnt out and tired right now – I’m not finding joy in anything I love right now.
thanks for this
Your all DID rock the sh*t out of that talk. The blessing that was pasted under my chair was the perfect message for me at the perfect time. Thank you for the inspirtation. Look foward to following your blog and checking out the upcoming Mondo Beyond session.
Andrea, I am so happy to read your words here – what an incredible, empowering, BLOSSOMING time for you! I have been thinking alot lately about how I try to insulate myself from emotional discomfort and how I can grow in being able to just sit with it and care for myself in the midst of sadness, anger, or worry. I love the way you befriended yourself in those moments. Also, would you be willing to share the text of your talk at the event? Thanks for considering it. These photos speak volumes – and I love seeing the deep friendship between you and Jen – it makes me happy just seeing your joy together!
~ Carole
This post really moved me and brought me to tears. I connected to everything you were saying, and it felt as if you were speaking directly to me. Thank you for sharing.
P.S. I love love love MIOBI and Payson is hands down my favorite. That is so awesome that you got to meet her!!
Andrea,
I had a really hard time this week–a huge trigger came up and the panic monster was right in front of my face. Working through it is tough work. Talking to yourself, calming your inner child…all hard. Something you reminded me to be proud of…
Thanks for sharing, sister:)
Kristen
Congratulations! Love and appreciate every word, i am so happy for you!
Andrea this is so powerful. Thank you for sharing your amazing story of strength and overcoming fear in your honest way. You are an inspiration. I don’t know who Payson is but in my head I was like “oh my gosh Payson was standing right there!!!!”. A true gift from the universe and one you definitely deserved. You create magic.
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