The gift of vulnerability
This is a piece I wrote in my writing class yesterday. I had no intention of sharing it, but when I read it aloud in class (through sputtery tears) I looked up and saw that we were all a bit teary. On a day when I felt so alone, so fragile and wanting to hide, there was a table full of women nodding their heads saying, I’ve been there… And guess what? That was enough to change everything. It didn’t fix my problems, but helped me to hold them (and myself) with more compassion.
I share this as a window into one of my harder days, in the hopes that if you find yourself in these words, you will breathe a sigh of relief. You are not alone. And neither am I.
Because he is only five. Because I’m trying, really trying. Because I’m stressed out. Because I wonder if we’ll ever stop worrying. Because I promised I would do no harm. Because I don’t want to yell.
Because I miss my boy. Because I don’t want to do it like my parents. Because I want to be far away. Because I want to hide. Because I feel like an infection. Because I’m tired. Because I don’t know what to do. Because I feel stuck. Because I feel like a horrible blot.
Because I worry about food – who’s eating it, how I’m going to make it, how we’re going to fill the fridge. Because I want everybody to like me. Because I want to feel confident and secure. Because I don’t know how to do anything anymore. Because I am lost.
Because Nico is still a baby. Because I don’t want to miss out. Because I hope I haven’t blown it already. Because I’m humbled and crushed by it all. Because I feel the crazy of my lineage moving through me, not my crazy but theirs. Because all it took was that telemarketer from Heifer calling me to send me into compulsive sobs for the rest of the night. Because I’m cracking up and not sure why. Because I want to fix what’s wrong with me.
Because Ben is like me. Because Ben is just five. Because Ben doesn’t know. Because Ben is just playing.
Because I go to those scary places in my mind. Because sometimes I think they’re better off without me. Because now I’m crying. Because I needed to get this out. Because I want someone to rescue me. Because life is hard. Because I feel like a fraud. Because you should not be tortured by this list anymore. Because this is embarrassing.
Because I don’t know where to go from here. Because I’m trying my best. Because I want to be a better person. Because something about this is not mine, but has been handed to me. Not my crazy, somebody else’s. Because I want to do better than they did. Because I love my boys. Because I want to feel the real love coming my way. Because there is so much in the way. Because I feel like damaged goods. Because I want to move past that. Because this is my work and I’m tired.