I’ve been feeling older lately.
I’ve actually noticed lines on my face that were never there, that quite literally, appeared a few weeks ago. There are also the occasional grey hairs, which for some reason, I don’t mind. I like to pluck them and examine each silver filament. Maybe I will start to save them, paste these angelic threads into my journal, until there are simply too many too paste.
And then there’s the teeth. Something felt strange in my mouth on Saturday. Upon further examination (me, mouth wide, showing my friends) it was confirmed – part of one of my bottom teeth was missing and a rough edge remained. Only a chip really, but how did it happen? Are parts of my body just falling off now? Am I crumbling slowly but surely?
Is this what aging is?
I am caught in this middle place, where I’m not sure if I’m a kid, a girl, or a woman. When I chat with my mom and refer to my “women friends,” she gets confused about who I’m talking about. She thinks I’m suddenly spending all my time with her contemporaries. It even sounds awkward to me. When did I become a woman?
Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost something, some part of me, some lighthearted, joyful part of me, with all of this adult stuff about getting married and running a business and people getting sick and all that…
I was talking with a dear friend yesterday and I never asked her the question that was on the tip of my tongue, “Where has my joy gone?”
I just couldn’t ask, or explain what I even meant by it. I just know it has something to do with aging and worry and crumbling teeth and being afraid of moving forward into adulthood.
I want to stay being a girl forever.