I had a conversation with my hairdresser recently that I am convinced brought me closer to God (or maybe just self-acceptance}=).
It started over gin and tonics at an art opening at the hair salon. As we chatted on the fire escape, I said something I would never have said if I was sober. “You know Eric, I hate to say it, but I want Jennifer Anniston’s hair. Can you give me that?”
He rolled his eyes and said, “You can NEVER have Jennifer Anniston’s hair. It’s a texture thing. You have to work with what you have.”
To you, this might sound completely obvious, but to me, it was a downright revelation. I thought that I was only supposed to want my hair, but I could have Jennifer Anniston’s hair if I wanted it. Isn’t that what America is all about?
So I’m looking at my life these days with new eyes, trying to work with what I have, aware of how much time I spend wanting other peoples? lives. The gorgeous mom with the Camper shoes and the perfect sunglasses walking her baby in Cole Valley. The strawberry blond haired french girl at the boulangerie with the thin freckled legs.
It’s a texture thing. You can’t BE these people.
Sometimes I am haunted by the thought that our life is going be lived, dissolved into memory, whether we have a good time or not. It will pass, whether we love our hair, our bodies, or our lives. On some level, life is indifferent to how much we are enjoying ourselves.
I think that’s why I write and take photographs. Because in the end, all we’re left with is the stories. If you can tell a good story, or maybe, how you tell a story, literally gives you your life.
When I first met my friend Sasha, I showed her a photo album of mine and she was in awe. “You have such a glamorous life!,” she said. And when I looked at these photos, I realized that she was right. Not because it was “true” but because that’s the story I was telling.
What I really want to say is that I want to want MY life and I’m learning to let go of all the not-enoughness. I want to stop desiring anything more than what I have right now. I want to work with what I have. Apparently, it’s a texture thing.