If you peeked into my kitchen right now your eyes would widen at the stunning array of fruit: oranges, lemons, grapefruits, peaches, apples, strawberries, apricots, loquats, kiwi, bananas and watermelon (and if we want to get technical, tomatoes and avocados) I think somebody is having a craving.
I wonder sometimes if I am relishing this experience more than your average pregnant person. Is the height of your joy really in exact proportion to the depth of your sorrow? I’ll never know… but I must say that I am truly, deeply, happy again. It was as if my joy was some long lost friend and we have recently reunited. It was a little awkward at first, but we really do like each other and now we are getting along famously.
A friend of mine asked me recently (who is going through some similar stuff) “What finally helped?” and I said, “You’re not going to like the answer…” “It was getting pregnant, huh?” she asked, and as much as I wanted to say something really inspiring about how you get to choose joy moment by moment (this is true!) and how I had some big breakthrough in how I was holding all of this (I did have lots of those) I still had to nod yes. The only thing that really helped was getting pregnant.
There was a time when I wondered if I was just permanently in a low grade state of depression, if I needed drugs or therapy or both… People started asking me hard questions like, “Is getting pregnant going to help? What if you still feel this way?” and that question always felt so BAD because I didn’t know the answer to it.
I hesitate to speak too much of the joy of pregnancy when I know so many of you are still going through the fertility journey. The funny thing is that I feel closer to that experience than I do my new one. I still feel mildly envious of women who are further along than me, who are closer to having that baby in their arms. I suppose it’s a habit I haven’t broken yet…
But what I really want to share is that I did find my joy again and I’m eating fruit and hiking in the woods and swimming at the YMCA and living in a brand new place that smells like jasmine and has sidewalk chalk drawings and you know what? Life is good and I’m savoring it… and this is new.
When I think of savor, I think of a spoonful of delicious food resting on your tongue, of being totally present to the gorgeousness of it, the lusciousness, the sweetness, the richness, and enjoying it completely. And that’s what I’ve been up to lately. I am savoring this time of my life, letting it roll around on my tongue in delight. I am present to the gift of it, to the magic of a dream unfolding.
Part of the pleasure of being pregnant is having a good, wild craving and the satisfying of it. Things just taste SO good… (Yesterday Matt came home to find me and my entire face buried in a graprefruit)And then there’s this even deeper craving, one that I had for so many years, this primal craving for motherhood that just couldn’t be satisfied with anything but. It was base, it was real, it was in my body as well as my heart, and the pain of not satisfying it was at times unbearable.
So I am savoring my very first bites of this sacred craving, celebrating with you, and with a fridge full of fruit.
What is there to savor in your life?