Several times a year, usually when I’m sick, I have one particular dark thought, or collection of thoughts I call the hospital fantasy. This happens when you are so overwhelmed with the doing, the worry, the speed and intensity of life that you just want to get off the ride for a while. In the fantasy, I am laid up with something (a sprained ankle?) and I get to finally rest. I am not responsible for anything and other people do things for me… I am aware of how irrational and inappropriate this thought is and I have learned to listen to what it is trying to teach me — slow down sister!
Soon enough though, I get better, the thought fades, and I go back to the way I do things, the way I’ve always done things — don’t stop, hurry up, do more, achieve, excel… And every once in a while, on a really good day, I get a glimpse of the truth. The veil is lifted and I see how driven I am by fear. I see the fire under my tail, how I will run and leap and conquer– the list, the house, even the fun, just to keep the beast at bay. And yet I am always behind somehow, reaching, reaching for something out there, some impossible thing I will never grasp.
Part of my soul work is to find balance, to create a well rounded life where rest, exercise, friends, food and joy are a natural part of my landscape. This cycle of work, get sick, fall behind on work, work harder, get sicker… I just can’t do it anymore.
And then I surf the internet and see what everyone else is doing — the blogs, (how do they write so often?) the Etsy stores, the books published… their pretty houses with dinner on the table every night… and the shame seeps in and the critical voices start howling in my ear. Hurry up, you’re falling behind, you’re blowing it, get your sh*t together…
And then I remember that wait, I am one of those people that others see this way. The superhero character that appears to have it all together, who is doing all that cool stuff (how does she have time for all of that?) and I see how all of these projections are a fiction, something I made up, something we all make up. It is the way we gather evidence, our proof that we are the ones who are not good enough.
It’s not true.
And I’m tired of living as if it is.
I’ve decided to take a break! and I am closing my jewelry shop until March (or perhaps longer) If you have taken the Mondo Beyondo course you might recognize this as my clearing. I am creating space in my life for more richness and more joy. I am creating space to create a home, to nurture myself, my marriage and my family. I am creating space to connect more with my spirit.
I am tired of being a doing machine.