So far the rumors are true. After 12 weeks of pregnancy you really do start to feel more human. On Saturday, I was shocked and completely exhilerated by the fact that I didn’t feel like throwing up. Just that simple fact was enough to put me in a good mood. Add to that my dear friend SARK’s birthday party at Ft. Mason, some Bocce and Ben’s maiden voyage with a kite and the day was pretty awesome.
I would have posted photos of this marvelous afternoon, but I accidently erased the whole card in an effort to capture a late night mustache adventure instead. Just picture Ben running buck naked down the street in nothing but a black mustache and you can see why I frantically ran for the camera and formatted it without regard for what was already on it. The photo is crap, but the moment, oh the moment.. totally etched in my memory. 😉
Now that I am feeling human again it’s tempting to make up for lost time, to get everything done I’ve been neglecting, to be all superwoman again. But the truth is something in my drive was lost in the last three months. My ability to work, to make plans, all of it kind of flew out the window. I’ve been struggling to find my way in, to buckle down and get my shit together before this baby comes, and I’m finding it hard.
I think feeling lost is inevitable when we are in transition, when we are traveling from one place to another, one passage to the next. We want everything to stay the same, but that is not the nature of change. It requires discomfort and wobbliness and not knowing what’s next. Lately, I feel like I have to trust I am being carried. My old moves don’t work anymore and I’ve had to surrender to the tide of what’s actually happening. Trust that sometimes it’s okay not to know and have faith that what’s next might even be better than what I could have imagined.