waiting, Canon Digital Rebel
I’ve noticed lately that my life is like waiting for a bus in San Francisco.
There are new bus shelters here that have a readout above the Muni map and those funny little black seats that revolve. It’s a small, rectangular LED screen that says ?9 minutes until the next Fillmore 22? and I always think, ‘Great!’ and I sit down, get comfortable, read a book and watch the people go by.
I’m fine.
I’m happy.
The bus comes 9 minutes later.
All is well.
But when the bus shelter doesn’t have that readout and I have NO IDEA when the bus will come, I get all fidgety and agitated. I step off the curb looking for the bus in the distance. I pace, I can’t see it. I wonder if it will EVER come, I consider finding another bus, I consider taking a cab, I get really irritable and that same 9 minutes is like torture.
If someone could give me a readout, could tell me, ‘in 6 months or 12 months {or whatever amount of time really} you’ll be pregnant and have a healthy baby’ I’d say, ‘Halle-freakin-lujah!’ And I’d probably write a book, and go on lots of trips, and do all sorts of wonderful things.
I imagine that I would enjoy this time so much more.
But instead I keep craning my neck out, watching and waiting and wondering if it will ever come.
And I share this because sometimes it’s hard to wait and it’s painful, and maybe you are waiting for something too.
And maybe its comforting to know that we are waiting together.
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That was so well said, Andrea. I got a little tear in my eye. I am definately waiting…for many things in life.
it made me tear up too. i guess we’re all waiting and craning and getting a little agitated with the process. but in your post i hear the strength needed to enjoy the time of now. think of all the things we’re missing when we’re busy just waiting.
thank you.
I promise that you are in very good company at that bus stop.
Oh my goodness! Thank you for that post. That is exacting how I’ve been feeling lately. Waiting and waiting and waiting and growing more impatient and more uncertain. What if the bus never comes? What if I am always stuck here? I wonder what it is in humans that causes that existential panic when we have to wait. I do, in fact, feel much comforted by your words. Things changes slowly but surely and if I just chilled out, I’d find that I didn’t even notice the bus was waiting for me. Bless you bless you for being you, Andrea. You’re a friend who knows what I’m thinking before I even tell you.
waiting (to become pregnant) is so difficult on so many different levels! but it was my first lesson as a mother: learning to let go. in fact, i’m still learning it. every day. there was nothing like becoming a parent (or even a pregnant woman) to remind me that i don’t have nearly as much control over my life as i like to imagine i do!
I adore this post.
And I adore you.
I too, feel like I am always waiting. Welcome to club human.
Power Of Now, Be Here Now, The Precious Present…and all that other jazz…wonderous when it happens naturally…but my inner chatter is usually more along the lines of “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow”.
I always loved Annie.
Anyhow, here’s one suggestion.
Make believe that you will be pregnant in six months. Or twelve. Or sixteen. Whatever sounds good to you.
Not in a pressured, strained, forced new-age affirmation…”in six months I WILL BE PREGNANT!” way…
More like a calm, honest, real, open, deep breathed…”yeah…uh-huh…in six months, I’ll be pregnant”. Of course. Yes. Baby. Yay!
Just remember that in God/The Universe/Krishna/Buddha/Nature’s time, six months may actually look more like sixteen months. Or six weeks.
Who knows.
And there’s the rub.
But you’ll get pregnant, you’ll have a healthy baby, the sun will come out tomorrow, be here now, there now, it’s all gonna be fine now.
The bus always comes, and this time, there will be a little baby on board.
I just know it.
So sit down, get comfortable, read a book, make love, watch the people go by.
Just not all at the same time… 😉
Don’t push the river, it flows by itself.
Beautiful illustration, Andrea! I soooo know what you mean.
“You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…
…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.”
🙂
I was sitting in class a few hours ago thinking about you actually. I’m not sure how it popped into my head, but I was thinking about how much you deserve a child. I know you will be an incredible mother and I was having a little chat with the universe about helping you out.
My thoughts and wishes are with you, as always.
peace and love!
xoxoxo
eMiLy
Andrea,
You have peered into my head yet AGAIN!! I feel this same way about finding a relationship. I hate the hang-time, the feeling of being in limbo. Sometimes I think it would be great if when you were born you got a print out listing all of the major events in your life and when they would take place. Then you could be like, “Okay, on 3/16/05 I will meet my soulmate. On 4/10/06 we will be married”. Then you could finally relax. But then again, that would take a lot of the thrill and mystery out of life. When you do finally become pregnant, imagine the absolute delight you will feel…the amazement when you finally hold your baby in your arms. I think this is another example of how we have to have faith that things will fall into place in our lives as they should. Granted, this is hardly helpful when you are in a patch of spiritual turbulence but what else can you do? Andrea, you are a wonderful person and seem to have a wonderful life. Try to enjoy what you have now. My mother likes to say, “We make plans and God laughs” which I interpret as meaning that there is so little in life we can truly control. I think all we can do is be present in the life we have now, try to breathe as deeply as possible and know that one way or another, we will be okay. Don’t miss the life you have longing for the life you want. Just do what you can to make that future happen, take a deep breath, and celebrate your life as is. Good luck and much love!!!!!
-Piper
I’m waiting too. Wondering. And sometimes that wondering turns to sadness and “why not me?”. But I am waiting and wondering about real love. I want to give it so much and at times I feel that the entire world has found their real love, except for me. Your post is exactly how I feel at times. I’m sending you good wishes Andrea.
thank you for this. yes, i too feel like i’m waiting…waiting for something and not ever knowing when it will come
there are things i know and things i don’t and it’s always good to know we’re not alone.
thank you for this.
All things will happen in their due time, when the time is right. To trust and to wait and to have faith is the tough part. I always know that there is a reason for everything that happens in my life and other’s lives.
I am waiting for a lot of things right now. One of them is to keep my eyes open while waiting for my path to show up finally after all these years of painful searching that I am supposed to walk down and which leads me to my soul purpose.
I am also waiting for a special necklace that one awesome jewelery Designer makes. She is one hell of a Designer let me tell you…so unique and strong and full of life with her beautiful soul. The necklace is called “passion” and it has the most beautiful red and pink glassbeads which possess a special kind of power. It is a Superhero necklace I am waiting for. Andrea, I can’t wait, I can’t wait.
There is also a special story interwoven with a lot of mystery in that necklace for me. It will be truly special.
My big thanks goes to Jenn Higgins and to my Superhero Andrea.
xoxo
~tine 😀
Thanks Andrea, I am waiting, but learning patience that is the biggest wait of all I believe… Ugh.
Its very comforting to know none of us are alone, thanks for sharing and taking a bit of mystery out of the everday with your kindness and honesty.
xo
Deanna
Waiting together. I think it is good to have company in the sheltors to distract you from the process of waiting or even to make it go nicer. I keep waiting for things to come together. That everything will click and instead I find that I am much happier focusing on things which gel instead of trying to make everything fit at once. I hope that you have good companions on this waiting time.
We are waiting together…just be patient and realize your life is already full and blessed.
Oh, but dear sweet A, how much richer and poignant it will be when it does happen. Compare it to trips we take. Sometimes we plan ahead and organize all of the logistics and know exactly where we’ll be and what we’ll be doing and who we’ll be doing it with. And those trips can be filled with wonderful memories. But sometimes the best moments occur when surprise has swept us off our feet…when we get sideswiped by spontaneity or complete unexpectedness…and in moments like that we can feel how truly mad and beautiful this crazy life is. Or maybe that’s just me… 🙂
One more thing: LED displays?…revolving seats?…buses showing up ON TIME?! What the hell has happened to Muni? 🙂
Yes, we are all waiting for something. All those different somethings. I have a strong feeling that I will be living in Paris again and for a long time. I’d still like to know when that begins. And how. I also feel like I’m pacing back and forth in front of the bus stop and squinting into the distance at an as-yet invisible bus.
yes.
but sometimes when you just decide to wait out the wait, the result is that much sweeter. the fillmore bus rolls right up, the driver is a doll, you get your favorite (clean seat), no one freaks out on you, and the commute is fast.
your writing is such a treasure. well put. my mom used to always say this annoying thing-“patience is a virtue, posess it if you can, found rarely in a woman & never in a man”. patience is not a human trait i think. i hope you take those trips & write that book anyhow:)
*soft silence*
*stand up*
*applause*
Look, Andrea… a standing ovation from the Universe and your readers, to you… for having the strength and beauty to share this.
Much love, and many blessings to you,
Leonie
I really hope you feel better. Hopefully you can enjoy the wait, if even a little bit.
Beautiful photograph Andrea.
We are all waiting for something. I’ve been there. I’m still there, though what I’m waiting for now is different, I feel it right along with you.
I remind myself that these blessings, when they do come, are so worth the wait. Its hard to imagine now, but a day will come when you will hardly remember what the waiting felt like.
xxoo
Stephanie
Yes, I am also waiting. Although waiting for a child was much harder, I am currently waiting on something that is completely out of my control. And it is hard. And I am antsy and frustrated. It is hard to give up control and to trust. But, I have learned again and again, my timing is not the perfect timing, even though I think it is. So I will continue to wait. And I know I will be amazed at how it all works out…eventually…in God’s timing.
so timely for my state of mind today…and it IS comforting to know that we are all waiting together.
thank you.
Jill
I suppose that we humans are just not cut out to be patient creatures. Sometimes waiting is sheer agony. At other times the anticipation is delicious. Hold on to your faith in the universe, no matter how hard it seems to be. I truly believe that all your wishes and prayers will be answered and that you will become the best of mothers to an amazing and healthy, (& very lucky) child. My love and all the good vibes I can muster go out to you. 🙂
Sometimes I feel like all I do is wait, like my whole life is that bus stop and there is no paper to tell me when what im waiting for will arrive. I dont even know what Im waiting for. But Im waiting for something, I just hope I realise when it arrives and I can stop waiting-maybe it will never arrive maybe I’ll stop waiting and it will come all on its own.
thank you. that was a beautiful post. you’re right–the time while waiting needs to be lived to the fullest. i can’t seem to do that, as im am so intent with the “bus”. but hopefully we will all learn to enjoy life even while waiting.
a friend sent me a card recently that said:
“god’s delays are not god’s denials.”
I’m waiting or have been waiting to hear about work and a creative project. Learning to live with the unknowing is the hardest thing. I can’t imagine how hard it is when you are waiting for a baby…
On a lighter note I LOVE bus life.
I’m waiting for this too. I want it to be ok with me if it doesn’t happen (it isn’t ok with me at all) but most of all I JUST WANT IT!
Sometimes I feel about 6 years old in my frustration of just not having something I want. It makes my heart hurt.
Every now and then I manage to have a sense of humour about the way I am being taught patience as I have to postpone my goals again and again.
I hope we both get the opportunity to look back at these words, with our babies in our arms, and think ‘wow that hurt, that impatience seems like a whole world away now’.
x
When you said this, I felt like you were saying it directly to me. I too am waiting and it’s getting painful at times. Thinking about past experiences and wondering if that was “it”. That can’t be the case though.
So I wait and wait for something that WILL come. The same goes for you. Patience truly is a virtue.
Oh, Andrea – I totally understand where you’re coming from. Just a few years ago, I thought desperately, “Won’t we EVER have a baby?” It’s especially hard when you’re a take-charge kind of person, and you’re used to being successful in carrying things through to completion. Even harder when you’re creative and your body isn’t cooperating by being creative along with you in the way you need.
One of the hardest things I ever did was just putting it out there (to friends and family) to please pray for me like crazy for this. And then I had to just let it go. I gave up the control that I never had in the first place.
We also made a conscious decision to plan trips, make decisions, etc. as if we wouldn’t have a baby at all, and start living our lives again. The constant pressure of living your life on hold wears away at you. It’s awful. So write your book, plan your trips, and do all the wonderful things you want. If a baby comes, you can always change your plans, or just take her with you!
You and your husband and future babies are in my prayers.
🙂 love, french toast girl
ps ~ be careful what you wish for… I wound up having three kids in two years! (Sophie is about to turn 2, and Peter and Angela turn 1, 5 days later.) They say that God answers prayers, but not always in the way you expect. It’s certainly not what I ever would have dreamed of, but they’re a wonderful adventure nonetheless.
Lovely post.
Of course, before reading this I had no idea such bus shelters exist and was perfectly happy without them… now I wish we had them. Ha!
What a beautiful photograph! I love the composition, the flowers, perspective and color.
Paige
Wow, Andrea,
I’ve been having a rough time of it lately. Some relationship issues…should I break up? Shouldn’t I? I keep listening to this song by Nerissa and Katryna Nields, (Sooooo good, you should check them out at http://www.nields.com if you don’t know them), that’s called “Haven’t I Been Good?” The song’s chorus is:
Haven’t I been, haven’t I been good?
Haven’t I been, haven’t I been good?
Haven’t I done everything I should?
Haven’t I been, haven’t I been good?
This phrase uttered over again….it just keep coming into my head when I think about my life and where I want it to be vs. where it is, and my relationships. Haven’t I been good? Haven’t I been a good enough person?
And I think that’s where posts like yours come in and make things a little bit better. Yes, maybe I am waiting for something completely different than you, but it really does help to know that we are waiting together. I’ll be sure to bring a deck of cards to the bus stop so we can play some rummy or something….
Thanks, as always Andrea, for perspective.
So much of life is waiting…
There was a time when I was in your shoes, wondering if motherhood would ever happen to me. Fortune smiled and I have two kids, now busily into their 20s. And what a ride it’s been! And I’m sure you will take that ride also.
But here’s the vantage point of a 50-something: don’t make the mistake of turning your life into a limbo of waiting for your life to begin. Remember to be here now. It all goes way too fast.
Speaking of impatience, please write that book–I can’t wait to read it.
All of my good and positive thoughts I send through the universe to you. Your blog brings joy and contemplation to me. Thank you.
Andrea,
This post is really insightful and I really admire your honesty. As the saying goes, “God’s timing is always perfect.” Whenever I look back on major events that happened in my life, I always notice that everything fell perfectly into place even though it didn’t seem like that at the time. I totally believe that you will see the same thing about your own life in hindsight. And your faith is certainly an inspiration to all of us in the meantime!
Andrea, I’ve been reading lots lately about estrogen dominance in women between ages of 30 to 50; one of it’s major symptoms is early term miscarriages (I mention since you wrote about in previous entry) and infertility. Taking natural progesterone seems to be the fix. See Dr. John Lee’s book, “What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About Premenopause”. Good luck!
it is comforting to know i am waiting in such good company 🙂
xoxo
Life is supposed to be about living. . . . and here we are: waiting!
I remember reading that you were once afraid you would never meet Mr Right and (eventually) he showed up. That gives me the strength to keep waiting. Or maybe Believing that eventually our Babes will show up, in the most UnBelievable ways. . .
Thank you Andrea, for your art & honesty, for this platform – where we all wait together!
You’ve got company, Andrea! I’ve been waiting to see if my beloved cat of 11yrs is going to come home. He disappeared four days ago and I’ve been waiting ever since. Not knowing if he’s dead or alive is pure agony. Your website has been a true comfort in the past, and maybe it’ll be that the wait won’t be much longer for either of us.
You’ve got company, Andrea! I’ve been waiting to see if my beloved cat of 11yrs is going to come home. He disappeared four days ago and I’ve been waiting ever since. Not knowing if he’s dead or alive is pure agony. Your website has been a true comfort in the past, and maybe it’ll be that the wait won’t be much longer for either of us.
you made me cry….
i’m waiting as well.
I hope you all get the good things that you are waiting for, in due time.
the only place i can stand waiting is at airports because i like people watching and creating stories of their to’s & from’s.
i hear you on the waiting game. spent all day at the doc’s today just to hear … more tests, more tests. grr!
p.s. love your photography. love your jewelry. love the colors. very self aware.