water from the Camera Obscura, Canon Digital Rebel
What part of you is trying to reveal itself?
This was a question that was posed to me yesterday and has me all stirred up. I know that this year has been a passage for me and that I am coming into something brand new. I feel a new self is emerging and the only word I can really think of to describe it is coming into adulthood.
I sense that I am coming into my womanhood, into my strength, and into my power. I am coming into my sexy, my strong, my fierce and my wise.
I am coming into trusting myself.
It’s as if I am still me, but I am being upgraded to a new operating system. Andrea 2.0 or maybe jaguar or tiger!
I suppose we’re doing this all the time, but there are times in our lives when we take big leaps and fill bigger shoes than we ever imagined we could. {I see those shoes for myself and they are some kick-ass hottie boots.}
I remember similar passages from my early twenties: the one where I started taking responsibility for my life and pursued my passion of art, or when I started my business and realized no one was in charge but me.
Do you ever get that feeling that you’re still a 13 year old kid no matter how old you are? Like you are never just the age you are but every age you’ve ever been as well?
What does it mean to be an adult? a woman? a leader?
These are the questions swirling around in my head these days…
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that is a really interesting way to look at things, and it’s a great question as well. i am finding that the more i strive to make more money, the more i worry about it, so i just recently took a leap of faith in God and in myself and my relationship and decided to hunt for a job that makes less money. it’s sounds trivial, unimportant, maybe even financially irresponsible, but i think it was a really important step, deciding to believe that i would always be taken care of, even if i didn’t make a ton of money. and that the more money i give away to other people, the better i feel about myself and the world around me. it’s not that i don’t want to make more money than i need, but i just feel that it’s no longer the end goal. the end goal is to find a job i love, and make that amount of money work for me. and when my dream of owning a coffee shop comes true, as long as i have enough to keep the business running smoothly and to keep my husband and i in a home, then that’s enough. i wish you all the best on this “new” version of your life, and being the inspiring person that you are, i am sure that you will make it something magical.
p.s. reading all of the journals from here in ohio, san francisco always looks so beautiful, and i am excited because i’m moving to santa rosa at the beginning of 2007 with my husband, and i’ll finally get to visit your amazing city. 🙂 (i hear they have great public transportation!)
You’ve given us so much to think about, Andrea, almost too much. I can barely comtemplate everything you brought up, but I can totally relate to it. I am going to have to ponder this over the next few days.
You are always surprising me. It’s great.
Maaaaan. I love this post! I told my husband just a few months ago that I feel like I’m changing somehow. Not only in the way I’m viewing my world, but physically too. I suppose this is always happening but how strange it is to notice it so acutely… if that makes sense. Perhaps this is common a late 20’s phenomenom.
Yes…so much I agree with here. I do think we are always growing but certain times it feels more obvious, more definitive, than other times. And yes, I always still feel all the ages I’ve been. I read something by Thomas Moore once that I really liked that sort of explained this phenomenon. He was stating that he believed time was man made and because of this the soul doesn’t comprehend time. So to the soul we are always all the ages at once. The soul is the all of it always. I’m feeling that same growth into adulthood that you speak about. It could be a self fulfilling prophesy for me…a few years ago I had my first and only experience with a very talented, amazing numerologist. She told me that my 32nd year would be my transition into true adulthood. Although I don’t know anything about numerology and whether I believe it I’ve never forgotten it. I turned 32 in May and I’m really feeling a brand new type of growth, something I’ve never expereinced before. Maybe I always held on to those words and was looking for this but regardless I really like this new phase. It has been a beautiful growing…I wish the same for you.
It is quite interesting for me that you ponder about what it means to be a woman, and/or a leader. Today, after weeks of negotiations, it seems there is an outcome of our national election. For the first time my country will have a female leader. Though she does not represent my vote it is fascinating to think what a historic step that actually is. And you could see the different receptions of a man and a woman both claiming the right to leadership. At one point I was thinking, gee, I could never do what she does. I could not put myself out there fighting my way through the mud and keep standing. Despite, I would have an issue with looking too power-hungry and self-centered. What a trap! So often I have missed a chance only to advance others or see them advance. Yeah, I have a fear of seeking more power because that may make me look bad.
I thought that perhaps growing up adult means that you know when its good to be humble and you know when you just shouldn?t miss the opportunity to speak up for yourself and get in charge.
I thought that meaning to be adult is to stop working on your (cool) image but work on your (perhaps uncooler) self that you don?t just allow your (however secret) passion, but also an appropriate position to live the passion.
Congratulations to upgrading to Andrea 2.0!
(I am still working to fix the bugs of my 1.0 🙂 )
Andrea,
I love this post so much… where do I even begin.
After a conversation I had yesterday (with a wise lifecoach) I started thinking that part of what was different for me now than before was my ability to let go of stuff, trust that when I don’t get something it doesn’t mean it isn’t right, and having faith that I am always safe and taken care of. I don’t do it all the time but I am much better and quicker to do these things than I was before.
I remember writing you and asking you about a year and a half ago how you had so much faith… you said to just show up. I’ve remembered it a lot and I think because of that I’ve been able to move into myself more.
For me the more I am able to trust myself, my inner voice, the more I feel like an adult.
I love how you always give us things to think about.
Thank you,
Jenn
You know, sometimes I feel, just in small glimpses, like I am the ages I haven’t been yet, too.
I’ve always felt about 12 years old inside regardless of my actual age (35) or the amount of responsiblities I had in my life and work (substantial). But with the sudden, shocking death of my father 3 weeks ago, all of a sudden I just AM. I am ageless. I am powerful. I am the strongest I have ever been simply because I have to be. And fierce? I’ve been scaring the shit out of myself sometimes but it’s good. Life brings you to the place you have to be at the time your have to be there.
andrea, words i definitely needed to find today. again, as so many times, you nail the thoughts that seem to pivot around my own mind, and those of so many others. in a sense, we all seem to be occupying ourselves with the same thoughts, wonders, questions. yet only a few find the language in speaking them out loud. articulating them word for word, thought for thought. simply and graciously. that is your gift.
i’m at the point where i’m feeling at the age we are [is thirty five really happening this year?], i should be so much further along. but then i glance back over the shoulder and realise, just how far i have come. and at the same time, there’s this girl in me that doesn’t just quite feel she’s there, where her body is saying she is.
and particularily these almost transparent and sensible days. having just heard that my dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer and operated on. miles and miles from home i’m feeling helpless. and a little girl inside of me wanting to scream out loud saying it isn’t true. it isn’t true. and then the women inside of me, knowing she has to pull strong and believe that there is hope. and all that said, in all the truth of what we always know will come one day, this is never forever. but this part of the growing up always just felt so far away. so far away on a horizon that you couldn’t even dare imagine it coming.
much like all in life. we know tomorrow is already there. and sometimes we think we know what she holds for us. but it isn’t until yesterday, that we’ll ever have those answers.
so to the little big girl in all of us, and all we are. be it mother and sister. friend and wife. lover and aunt. we are, all we have grown up to be.
and i love the colours that october have been for you. the blues the greys. there’s a quiet and subtle harmony, a sense of peace you are seeing and sharing these days.
oxo
Andrea – I have been reading your blog for several months now, and my breath sometimes literally catches when I read exactly what I need to hear. I am reminded again that when I am open what I need will find its way to me. This entry is beautiful. And your blog readers are also amazing with their honest comments. The idea of “coming into trusting myself.” Just when it feels like this could be true, someone knocks on the door of self-doubt. Thanks for reminding me that I do not have to answer that door.
Great shot. re the kick-ass hottie boots…I think I’m version Marilyn 22.0. That’s when you realize the kick-ass hottie boots were about 10 versions ago. When you’ve spun so far around the ‘version wheel’ that there can be only one explanation: adulthood means not so much becoming something OTHER…as it means becoming what you already were in the first place…
We’ll always be 13, won’t we? I think THAT is the real beauty of being an adult: you can be 13 at heart even when you have houses and businesses and kids to be responsible for each day. I feel like now that I’m grown, I get the best of both worlds.
p.s. – Mac users RULE!
Wow!! this is just dead on to how I feel so much of the time. Sometimes I beat myself up for being so naive. Like that trusting 12 year old I once was. Trusting the wrong ones has led me down some rough roads but I still can’t shake that wide eyed innocent attitude totally. So some days I am that exuberant kid and others I’m a very street wise woman. Sometimes I really do feel like myself only more so…. like a super-charged version of me… wiser, sexier, bolder and more fearless and at the same time wary of what I know can cause harm. But reading your blog, (and all the comments by others) has made me know that it’s not crazy…It’s ok, and normal for most of us. Great post! Bravo!!! 🙂
ok then what happens if what seems to be revealed is your inner three year old! I’ve just had a hellacious creative betrayal and I’ve beens stomping around the house throwing cups at walls, destroying things?
Thank you for posting this. I feel the same way. So much has changed in the past year and I’ve changed but I’m still me. It feels great!
I just started getting a Masters in something that is not related to my Bachlor’s, educaiton, and being in the classroom is weird. I still feel like a kid yet I have to be the responsible one. I’ve not gotten past that point yet.
Holy cripes!! This is exactly what I’ve been going through the last two months!! definitely amazing…
Yes, I feel thirteen. And I hate it now as much as I did then. I’ve made the decision to break away from my family (again) (at 29) because I don’t feel like I’m in control when I’m close to them. I’m about to make a major decision about my career/life and my brother announced they are having another baby. The part of me that is trying to reveal itself is the part that says, “I respect your opinion, but I know what is best for me and I’m through with being dissuaded because you are scared for me!”
love the question as it is right on target for where i am today and i love the image you posted as well as the word… emerging. that is it.
i talked to a group of friends last night about messages we recieved about ourselves as children and took to heart – believed as if they came down from on high – and i vowed to find a crystal clear message to replace that old one for myself before going to bed. Andrea… you are just the best and that is so not even close. i keep remembering this piece of writing that says something to the effect that our deepest fear is NOT that we are inadequate but that we are powerful beyond measure. owning and accepting that one! it is liberating to read your words and to imagine for myself what is trying to be revealed and allowing it to be known at least to me! I watch as you grow and stretch and it allows me to do the same. I love coming to visit your site.
Loved the message….and I think I loved the comments (so far) almost as much. It seems you’ve struck a chord with many of us who are in a kind of metamorphosis. However, I guess that doesn’t surprise me as I think that people are often drawn to those with whom they feel a connection. Goes without saying that I obviously must feel connected to you somehow (and I do) as I keep happily returning to your site to see what words you are putting out to the universe. I almost think of your site in terms of you (as a pseudo-coach) throwing us a ball for us to consider and throw back.
In any event, that’s a bit of a ramble with no purpose….but the goal of this comment was simply to tell you that I think the questions are important and I think that a “slight” anxiety about forever remaining 13 is healthy. What scares me more than having a part of myself remaining 13 is slipping over that edge into uncontested adulthood where I can’t even remember what it’s like to be impressionable, to make mistakes and to feel like life is something that is not only felt but learned.
my three cents worth on this rainy tuesday!
Hmmmm – I have read this question before. 😉 heh.
13? Try 6 🙂 Ahhhh, but those moments of adulthood are so sweet . . .
emerging, huh?! verrrry synchronistic! i stood up to my boss, an emotional bully, a terrorist of the spirit, a soul murderer. i stood up to her, told her calmly and clearly what i really truly think of her, and quit. i had had enough. i wish someone would have told me a long time ago how transformative expressing righteous anger can be, so much of the pent up rage disappeared when i stood up to her. all along, when i had envisioned standing up to her, i saw her fighting back, unfairly name calling, yelling. but bullies are really weak underneath. i am so grateful itook a look behind the curtain! i learned so much today. yes…i am emerging. i will never take that kind of abuse again!
What a great post. I’ve been feeling a bit of the same way lately, wondered if it just wasn’t the weather? I’m in a situation where many people in my life are no longer around me, confidants, buddies to hang out with, best friends. For the first time since my youth, I’ve felt some extreme moments of isolation and loneliness. But the adult in me is realizng that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
A few weeks ago, i drove 5 hours to go to a wedding of some friends by myself. I only knew the bride and groom. Most of the people i know said that if they were me, they’d have stayed home…But instead i went. Dealt with the awkard mingling, the feelings of loneliness, etc. But you know what? I was glad i went. At that wedding was me..for me…Stripped of any people who might have placed (or who i may have allowed to place) the labels and pre-concieved notions of myself. It was teh first time in a long time that I could be completely myself. It was wonderful.
As I drove home, i thought to myself, who am I? Who is this adult before me, driving 5 hours into the west? Whoever that guy was, I very much liked who I saw. 🙂
THanks for the great post and letting me share my tale.
I am,
G-Man
Still haven’t found my “sexy”, but that may yet come LOL!
Oh wow. What a moving post. How spot on you are yet again. Somehow so many of your comments seem like echoes of the space I find myself in. And the comments. How amazing. What a wonderful group of people with such raw honesty and so much hutzpah to put it all out there.
Thank you so much for being the voice of the questions so many of us are asking (all of you, but so especially Andrea). For letting us explore the questions that tie us together in our rocky road of growth.
It is a powerful feeling to be congnizant of shifting into a new, stronger space within yourself and your life. Like you are leaping more freely yet developing stronger roots at the same time. YOU GO Andrea 2.0.
It must be in the air, sister, because in the past couple of weeks I have become an entirely new person. Why? Because I finally realized that I have to be willing to lose everything. To succeed at anything & everything, I have to be willing to fail, and not just regular failure, but super plus failure, the $3.15 a gallon failure.
Small risks = small rewards or small failures. Huge risks = huge rewards or huge failures. So the only way I figure I can be myself and succeed is to be willing to blow it royally.
I can’t even begin to tell you how FREEING that has been!!! I’m finally free to say what’s on my mind, free to be angry, free to be happy, free to be so many, many things that I was HOLDING IN and HOLDING ON to in my life. Do you know how much energy that took? I can’t even begin to explain it, except to say that I’m finally ALIVE!!!
Empowerment, baby. Empowerment!
Beautiful! As someone a wee bit further down the road, I can tell you, it just gets better and better…and did I say better? In fact, I just wrote a book with several other women on just this very topic. I will even send you one as a gift, if you like. It may contain a sidepost or two as you peer down that road.
The emerging doesn’t stop. That’s the beauty of it, so enjoy!
I’ve had you linked in my faves at my blog for a while now. We’re kicking some of the same tires. You may love the pic I put up just now…a caterpillar.
I hope this doesn’t feel “spammy”, because I just want to let you know there are some very cool older women out there, hotties even : ) that are cheering for you all the way!
Here’s my url: http://antwatching.blogspot.com/
At 38 sometimes I still catch myself for a second thinking, I can’t do this, this is what grownups do. Then I’m like, oh wait, I’m a grownup. LMAO.
Andrea, I found your journal by googling images and I immediately fell in love with your photographs. After reading your posts, I realized I had found someone who embodied countless qualities I hope to have when I grow up(I’m a measly 17, a senior in high school- hah talk about a time of self discovery).
I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your beauty, your creativity, and for allowing me to be counted among the inspiried. Thank you for daring me to dream and for giving me the courage to make my dreams come true.
-leia
I browsed through…it always amazes me how CONNECTED we all are. Because I, too, have been feeling like I’ve been morphing but not, growing but not, evolving but then again, I am this little kid, unsure about how to take the next step today. And then I wake up the next morning and I am ready to take on the world – no, the UNIVERSE. LOL.
“Do you ever get that feeling that you’re still a 13 year old kid no matter how old you are? Like you are never just the age you are but every age you’ve ever been as well?”~Andrea Scher.
SO RIGHT ON, SISTA! 😉
Thanks for sharing this one, Andrea. Your instincts rock, my “sexy”! That one, I’ve happily found already. After 37 years that better be found or else, what’s the point! ;-p
am i glad jen (gray) showed me the way to your blog.
peace.love.Kat.
I wasn’t going to comment, but was stopped by the “do you ever get that feeling that you’re still a 13 year old kid no matter how old you are?” I am forever 13….full of agnst etc. I don’t really know how to “fix it” but I feel like I just need to keep plugging away and someday I might not feel 13 anymore:)
oooohh!! i love this post sister. i love hearing the power emanate from your cells. i use animal medicine in my spiritual practice and tiger always comes up when there is a lot of fire surrounding me-action, power, ferocity, protectiveness of some new hatching…i’m a bit tardy on this what with being a human udder and all, but i had to say GO ANDREA!!!!!! xoxoxoxo p