This is Matt and I having lunch before our big day at the doctor’s office on March 22nd, 2006. But there is so much to tell that came before that. I’m going to begin this story by saying that I don’t share it simply for the drama of it, but so that there might be something in it for you whether you are on this particular journey or not. It is a story, not exactly of hope or faith, but of an opening. It is a story of being open.
After a miscarriage 2 years ago and many months (stretching into years) of trying for a baby, I was at my wit’s end. I had been depressed for much of that time, deeply afraid it would never happen for us or that it might take several more years to happen. I wasn’t sure I could endure any more years of depression, anger and rage. There were incredible lessons in there of course, miracles that unfolded and gifts, but there was no joy anymore, no joy left in the process.
At some point, I got it in my head that if a psychic could tell me that it was going to work out (and when) even if it was years down the road, I’d be able to wait. I just needed some faith and that was the only way I could think of to find it. (Believe me, I had looked inside for that shit and it was nowhere to be found)
I got on a 5 month waiting list for one of the most famous psychics in the country and paid hundreds of dollars to speak to him. When the day finally arrived, I was full of excitement and anticipation. The phone rang, he introduced himself, then asked, “So what’s your question?”
I explained it to him briefly, that my husband and I had been trying to have a baby…
He interrupted me.
“Yeah. It’s not going to work.”
What? I was in shock.
“Not unless you do IVF. Not going to work. You better talk to your husband about that or about adoption or just not having kids in this lifetime.”
I have always heard that expression “a chill went up my spine” but had never actually felt it. My entire body went cold. “Wow. That really doesn’t resonate for me,” I said.
“I don’t care if it doesn’t resonate. You asked me and I’m telling you. I know you want to do it all ‘naturally’ but the only way it will work is with IVF.” He said this coldly and bluntly, arrogantly, and a rage grew inside of me alongside a deep terror and sadness. “You didn’t hire me to tell you what you wanted to hear did you?” he said then, after a long silence.
But of course I did.
I got off the phone as fast as I could and cried for the next two days. I cried because I was angry. I cried because I was afraid he was right. I cried because I had given my power away (not to mention hundreds of dollars) to some arrogant prick on the phone. I cried because he shoved me up against my worst fears.
At Glide that Sunday, a woman I know was there with her mom. She had told me about her mom several times, about her connection to spirit, about her wisdom and magic and eccentric ways. When I met her she reached out and hugged me immediately (even though she couldn’t see me well due to glaucoma) and said something like, “I love you already!” which is how I felt about her.
We chatted for a while and and then I realized an incredible synchronicity – that her mom had been friends with the mother of the psychic I went to. I said to her, “I have to ask you a weird question. Do you know anything about her son? if his readings are accurate?” and then I burst into tears and told them the story. She said to me, “I don’t know if his prediction is right or wrong Andrea, but I encourage you to trust that experience. You manifested it for a reason. There is something to learn from it. You created it. Trust every experience.”
My conversations with Matt shifted after that. What once began as “That fucker doesn’t know what he’s talking about!” evolved slowly into, “So what if we did have to do IVF? What if we did have twins? We want to have two kids anyway. Maybe we’d have a boy and a girl! That would be so cool… and we wouldn’t have to go through this again! And the money… we’ll figure it out. Maybe our families could chip in or we could sell art…” Suddenly what we saw from this place was possibility and hope and excitement and kids! And with that we decided to make an appointment at the UCSF IVF center. The gift of the psychic was that it forced me to look a different way, to shift my perspective and see what was there.
Now let me back up for a minute and explain why opening this door was so significant to me. I grew up in Santa Cruz. I grew up with nutritionists and acupuncturists and herbs. My mother even had a “psychic surgery” once (a very interesting story I might add) We avoided antibiotics whenever we could and took chinese herbs to combat colds. The smell of vitamin stores and the taste of carob still remind me of childhood. I’m one of those people that doesn’t like to take aspirin when I have a headache. I am slightly western medicine phobic.
So this journey of (in)fertility took me to acupuncture, to herbs, to quitting caffeine, to exercising just the right amount, to drinking only bottled water, to taking my temperature every morning, standing on my head, testing my fluids, charting charting charting… All the while trying to “relax.” Which is scientifically impossible if you are doing all of these other things. (And by the way, if you don’t already know, telling an (in)fertile to “just relax” is the kiss of death. She will hate you.) But I digress.
There is a part two to this story.
Not to spoil the surprise, but I did get pregnant! and we didn’t have to go all the way to IVF. Luckily, there were other interventions we could try first. Nevertheless, this story as I said before, is about an opening. So that’s what I leave you with now. With us opening that door… (Part two coming soon)