some promises I make to you

21_weeks_de_young.jpg
self-portrait at the De Young Museum bathroom, SF, Canon Digital Rebel

I promise to never use the words:
moist
preggers
panties
EVER again. Because these words annoy the SHIT out of almost all of you and I respect you too much.

I also promise to never mispronounce words like supposibly and libary or get anywhere near the word “irregardless”. I am still working on using “I” and “me” properly, but I have Matt on the case. He is very good at grammar.

Thank God I don’t work in an office because I will never have to say, “Are we on the same page?” describe software as “sexy” or comment that Bob really “stepped up to the plate.”

I promise to never shorten words like rellies for relatives, prezzies for presents, puter for computer or hubby for husband.

I am still stuck on the vagina thing, because as one of you pointed out, “I mean, come on. Guys get a cool word like PENIS. It even has a cool nickname, DICK, among others. I cannot think of one cool nickname for “vagina.” So I’m with you there. We have limited options.

I WILL however continue to use a word that I find hilarious now and will find funny until the end of time. You will not like it. You will think it’s gross and vile and you might not want to look it up if you don’t already know what it means. If you DO like this word as much as I do, read all of the definitions on this page and prepare to laugh your ass off.

This word is “shart.”

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Hi, I’m Andrea

On this blog you’ll be learning with me how to use our voices, share our creative superpowers and live life in full color.

As an artist, photographer, life coach + mentor, I’m redefining what it means to be a SUPERHERO — ‘cause in my world, it’s got nothing to do with capes, spandex or sidekicks and everything to do with tenderness, intuition & baby steps of bravery.

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82 Comments

  1. chronicler

    Ah, go ahead and use panties. I love the word. It smack of feminine and when used as a weapon on a guy it works better than most! ie: “don’t get your panties in a bunch!”
    shart, right up there with vurp!

  2. alison

    I am also pro-“panties”. My husband used to hate the word, but he’s come around. Though the word “knickers” is pretty darn cute.
    Hey, should it concern me that I’m troubled by the word “lubrication”?

  3. Tiff

    Your belly, as always, is beautiful.
    Will you miss being pregnant once the baby is here? I wonder that myself as I look down and see my growing belly.
    Also, thank you for your humor!
    And yes, ‘shart’ is hilarious –
    I’m afraid I’ve found a new slang to use.

  4. e

    my favorite word for vagina is “cooter” !!!
    congrats on the baby, you look fantastic.

  5. Robyn

    Your 21 week belly looks amazing! I love this photograph. I’m right behind you at 18 weeks, and I’m loving every moment of it. Even though I’ll cherish our baby after it’s born, I think I will miss being pregnant! Knock on wood, I’ve had a very easy pregnancy so far, and loving every moment! And – on another note, when men get a “cooler” word for their penis, and we get stuck with “vagina” —- remember – our vaginas do amazing things – like bring out a baby into this world – what can the penis do that is that amazing? (LOL)

  6. stef

    looking good hon, looking good! Loved the last post and everyone’s comments. you had to of had fun going through them all!
    I also have to say that I love “shart” as well!!!
    xo

  7. amy

    Applause to you for workin’ on I and me, and thank you to Matt.
    I nearly sharted when I was first introduced to the word “shart”. There really should be a combo word for when you laugh and pee at the same time…instead of incontinence.
    That post rocked my world. And you are so stinking cute with that belly!

  8. amanda

    Gorgeous self pic, Andrea!
    I can get why people find preggers and panties repugnant, but such a strong aversion to moist!
    You look pregnantly summery and shiny. 🙂

  9. Erika

    I think “knickers” definately beats “panties.” You are the cutest prenant lady! It almost feels like you’ve always been pregnant or at least that you were always meant to be pregnant!
    The color of that shirt is amazing.

  10. Erika

    I think “knickers” definately beats “panties.” You are the cutest prenant lady! It almost feels like you’ve always been pregnant or at least that you were always meant to be pregnant!
    The color of that shirt is amazing.

  11. Erika

    I think “knickers” definately beats “panties.” You are the cutest prenant lady! It almost feels like you’ve always been pregnant or at least that you were always meant to be pregnant!
    The color of that shirt is amazing.

  12. Hazel

    What a fantastic pair of entries! Thank you for giving me a giggle over my morning coffeee, surely ‘shart’ is the one of the best words ever created?
    Your picture is beautiful, you look fantastically pregnant (not preggers, of course), once again, CONGRATULATIONS!

  13. Nina

    What fun you’re having here! I’ll switch to saying knickers right away.
    We always used yoni, the Sanskrit word for vagina, until when my daughter was a toddler she met a little boy named Yoni at a birthday party. (Priceless look on her face when he told her his name!) She’s since nicknamed her yoni “yi-yi”.
    And what a gorgeous belly!

  14. my pink sky

    ha ha ha ha ha…snort (oops!) why do so many people hate “moist”? don’t they eat cake?

  15. my pink sky

    ha ha ha ha ha…snort(oops!) why do so many of you hate “moist”? don’t you people eat cake!?!

  16. Kelly

    Haha, moist preggers panties: That sounds GROHOHOSSS!
    “Shart”, however, is fantastic.
    Dang, woman, look at you! You are a HOT MAMA!

  17. swampggrl

    hey girl.
    just checking out your blog. i love it. soooo inspiring. your belly is divine in its lush fullness.
    i love your comments about not working in an office. as someone who does that part of her days, the inane comments, particularly the sports metaphors are enough to make me leap out of the window!
    cheers,
    swampgrrl

  18. jen lemen

    being the mother of two very experienced “sharters” (uh, mom, i have a little problem here) as well as the recipient of countless very reasonable explanations as to how this can happen (in the STORE, at the RESTAURANT, for god’s sake in the CAR????), i must say i am looking forward to the day when sharting also carries with it enough personal humiliation and/or social taboo so my two adorable children WILL STOP DOING IT ONCE AND FOR ALL.
    🙂

  19. punky

    I like to use the nickname “Va-jay-jay”. 🙂
    Andrea, that is a GORGEOUS self pic. You are one hawt lookin’ momma. Everything about the pic is friggin cool.
    I think I’ll go enjoy mes some moist carrot cake since I’m eating like I’m preggers and can’t even manage to fit into my panties. Supposibly my co-worker and me are going to step up to the plate and get some research done at the library, irregardless of the fact that we have interns to do the crap work, but whatever. Speaking of crap … I think I just sharted from choking on a prezzie. My hubby is going to laugh his arse off when he does the laundry tonight.

  20. Amy

    I like yoni, and VJ is very hip. In our house we say Hoo-Hoo, unless we feel like torturing my son, in which case we chase him around singing “Vagina” while he holds his hands over his ears and says “I’m not listening!”.

  21. melissa

    You. Look. Amazing. My Emma Magnolia is six months old, and already I can’t really imagine that she was once so tiny that she fit inside momma’s warm sweet wombspace.
    Moving on…my ‘problem’ with the whole vagina issue is that most women who use this (and teach their kids to use it) word are really talking about the Vulva, not just the vajayjay. Why bother using an “anatomical” word if it’s not even the right one? In our house we call it a “kiki” which is the Tagalog (filipino) word, but then again, we use Tagalog words for most body parts, because the words are more fun to say (‘pwet’ instead of ‘butt’, ‘kili-kili’ instead of ‘armpit’, ‘patoot’ instead of ‘fart’…etc.)
    As for ‘shart’….That’s a good word. Tickles the ear and is so very clear.

  22. kerstin

    these last two posts and comments have been quite amusing to read. i love the colors in this photos! beautiful photo and beautiful gal. you look great!

  23. Juli

    Finally, we the people have an advocate! You’re a doll Andrea!

  24. my pink sky

    ha ha ha ha ha…snort (oops!) why does everyone hate “moist so much? don’t you peoples eat cake?

  25. katy

    i figured out what “shart” was before i read the definition and i laughed until coffee came out my nose (is there a word for that)….

  26. mikaela

    1. Phillip Seymour Hoffman had an excellent, “I sharted” scene in Along Came Polly. In fact, I reckon he was the only good part of that movie.
    2. Punky, cute comment. It made me cringe.
    3. We use, “front bum” in place of vagina.
    🙂 m.

  27. Laura

    Shart. HA!
    I like the word cooter. But not the word hooter. 🙂
    Nice tummy, Andrea. I’m thinking about getting one, too….

  28. Jennifer

    I almost started to post before I read the definition, and I almost wish I would have just gone ahead and posted. I was going to ask if ‘shart’ was anything like the irish pronunciation of, well, what looks like ‘shyte’…
    I just adore the photo, by the way!!!

  29. Jason

    Great pic, Andrea…you look fantastic. Those be some sweet sunglasses. Oh…and the belly is a nice accessory on you as well.
    “Moist” is indeed bad. “Doily” also makes me vomit in my mouth a little. Thankfully, the word seems to have worked its way out of the lexicon, along with “icebox,” which is a bummer because I think this is a badass way to refer to a fridge. My fiancé teases me with as many “moist doily” sentence structures as possible. Great fun. For her.
    I could tell some rather disgusting fratboy stories about some xlax-spiked cookies…and their shart-inducing qualities…but I’ll refrain.
    Great post. ‘Love it when you reveal a new side to yourself.

  30. delia

    yeah.
    i’ve spoken abt. this with others.
    Vagina is tricky.
    But, I gotta say~Penis isn’t soundin’ too good to me either.
    I’ll get back to You on these.
    *teeheee*
    +
    oh MY but, you’re growing that behbeh FAst, Andrea !!
    It seems like just yest…….that you were lettin’ us know the fab. news@@@@
    Blessings hon.

  31. Leonie

    you are HILARIOUS.
    😀
    i first learned of the “shart” phenomenon in “Along Came Polly.”
    second favourite: “prairie dogging” as seen in “rat race.”
    Kimberly Pear: [Kimberly needs to go to the bathroom] Dad, I’m prairie dogging it!
    Randy Pear: What the hell does that mean?
    Jason Pear: You know, like when a prairie dog sticks his head in and out of the ground.
    Randy Pear: Oh.
    [Five seconds later]
    Bev Pear: Ugh!
    Randy Pear: Ohh, god, I do not wanna picture that!
    *gigglesnort*

  32. Jenn

    Oh shit girl. I just laughed my ass off. You are so funny. Thank you for sharing this today. I so needed a laugh…..
    You are so beautiful, I love you alien bump.
    Jenn

  33. Trish

    Too cute! You are such a cute prego!

  34. Stephanie

    This was the funniest post ever! I had a conversation with my 23 yr old daughter regarding ‘shat’ being the past tense of the verb ‘shit’. WAY back in my teens, my mom grounded me for laughing at her when, in some angry rant, used the word ‘shat’…Coming from a barely 5 foot tall, Jewish mom it sounded hilarious!!
    Thanks for the giggles!!

  35. Meg

    Gosh, I didn’t comment on the last post, but I hatehatehatehatehate the word, ‘scuse me the “word,” preggers. What IS that? ugh.
    Good call, everyone!

  36. Randi Davis

    The vagina is not that deprived of cool names. What about ” the clam banjo?” On a lonley evening no man can say he can play the “clam banjo.”

  37. hazelblackberry

    Great photo, Andrea – subject and composition.
    In our house we have adopted my Dad’s word for undies (we’d NEVER EVER say panties): mongrellies. Mongrellies is the shortened version of mongrelly ungrelly dungrellies.
    Also, I like “front bum” for, you know, (whispers) “down there”, where your panties go…

  38. Anali

    I heard a story about this guy who was on his way to a job interview and he sharted. It was told to me by someone whose friend knew him. Then I read a random email talking about the same thing. Is this some sort of famous shart urban legend??!!

  39. leahpeah

    i laughed heartily while my husband pronounced ‘disgusting!’
    we all win.
    and irregardlessly actually wins.
    maybe weenis?

  40. Jenny

    Oh, shart. I just learned that word this weekend while hearing about a friend who did the deed. Too funny.

  41. mandy

    I could have sworn my little brother made up that word! Its good to know its not just my family who finds it hilarious.

  42. Boho

    i cannot get over how precious your belly looks. your skin looks all glowy too.
    yummy.
    *warm hugs*

  43. Amber

    A lovely old friend of mine called hers a “gine”, rhymes with mine. She used it (the word) as we were leaving the salon after massages. She said “That creepy massage guy was looking at my gine!!” I laughed so hard that I think maybe I let out a shart.
    Are you sure you’re only 21 weeks? Usually the little protruding outie bellybutton comes later. Cute!!

  44. Sundries Sublime

    I LOVE this picture of you!!! SOOOOO cute!!!!!

  45. Andrea

    Oh, I wasn’t expecting the shart link to be so damn hilarious. Doubly so, because I know someone (who shall remain nameless to protect her innocence) who sharts when under extreme stress.
    Just yesterday I almost peed my pants laughing as we discussed our plan for how I would have to walk home from our daily exercise walk to pick up her car to come and get her if she sharted. In the meantime, she would sit down at the park and pretend as if she were just resting, enjoying the scenery!

  46. kristen

    did you SHART lately?
    use it in a sentence! lol

  47. Tracey

    What about ‘mucus plug’? You gonna use ‘mucus plug’? Or even better, the other phrase used for the same thing, ‘bloody show’? Those are some of my husband’s favs. Yum.
    And as far as butterflies, I likened it to little bubbles bursting in my belly. Got any of that goin’ on?

  48. Sarah Jane

    When I was pregnant and working as a preschool teacher the kids started getting curious as to how this baby was going to get out of my belly. There was great discussion between them one day which ended when one girl confidently informed them that the baby would be coming out of my sha-shina!

  49. Rosie

    look at that lovely bump you have!
    i love shart – most of all the definition ‘gas with mass’ had be chuckling all the way home on the bus!

  50. Tracey

    Just realized my url link was wrong.
    Oh and I think “sha-shina” rules.

  51. kyra

    Phillip Seymour Hoffman used it in a movie and it was pretty hysterical! Much better to laugh about a shart than to actually shart. That’s for sure!

  52. Pamela from Texas

    Reading the “va-jay-jay” comment reminded me of the other vagina euphemism in the show Grey’s Anatomy. A middle-aged woman announced in ER announced that she wasn’t wearing panties (SORRY!) and that there was no way the attending intern was going to see her “Good Girl.” Loved that one! My daughter, beginning at age 3, simply called it her “V” or “Vee,” a term we still use from time to time.

  53. m.

    promises promises!! 😉
    thanks for the laughs. great writing.
    m.

  54. Kristen

    It’s called a va-GI-na. The “gi” should be given at least 3 seconds during the pronounciation. This, of course, is totally lost in the written word but I find it is the best way to torture my husband (who isn’t a huge fan of the word PEEEEE-nis either). Puritan.
    And I’m with Tracey. No need to get all crazy with the “bloody show” and “mucus plug.”

  55. anna

    I have always been a fan of teaching my children the proper terms for body parts (being a nurse I have to be all matter of fact about things). Never care for terms such as “we we” or “tu tu”. So a while back my 3 year old was complaining of her but itching. I asked if it was her anus or vagina and explained the difference to her. Well, it back-fired a few weeks later when her grandma gave her a “china” doll and my daughter thought she said “vagina” doll. I think I’m still a fan of “real words” I’ll just have to be more discrete.

  56. Laura

    Ohmygod, Andrea. I just laughed so hard, I sharted!
    Thank you for the hilarious, hilarious post AND link!
    😀

  57. Laura

    p.s. To Katy, who laughed so hard that coffee came out her nose…perhaps the word you’re looking for is “snava,” as in, “I was laughing so hard when I read that, snava came dribbling out my schnoz!”
    Which brings up the word “dribble”… 😀

  58. wendy cook

    thank you for making me laugh out loud this eve! by the way, you look gorgeous, mama!!!!
    wendy

  59. jen

    too funny!!

  60. bluefaery

    where do you get your spunky clothes?

  61. charleigh

    hi andrea! i frequently stop by your blog because i admire your photography. but today i had to post to share about nicknames for private parts. one day my DD started calling her’s a groover – it’s soooo much better than the real term – don’t you think?! 🙂

  62. Crissi

    When I saw “Along Came Polly”, and the “shart” scene came up, I nearly sharted my panties. Good times.

  63. Sabine

    Some words I coined a few months ago after hearing the word shart for the first time-
    Shartarreah (you can only guess what that means)
    soquidass (solid, liquid, gas, this one definitely requires a shower)

  64. Leslie

    Love your photo….and omigod…I just realized – you are half-way through your pregnancy! And you know what? My bet is a gir. You are sticking out front and you don’t have an ounce of fat anywhere else. To me that is the sign of a girl but time will tell…it is best to guess near the end.

  65. Tommy

    Andrea, Love the photo.
    By the way, “Dick” is NOT a cool nickname. It’s short (not literally) and characterless.
    Why don’t women start calling their’s “Ginny”? It’s cute!
    Rock on!

  66. Christine

    OMG- as vile and disgusting as the word “shart” is, I embarrassed myself (and my poor husband) because I was laughing so hard in the theater when we watched “Along Came Polly.” I mean, hiccupy, Oh-my-god-I-can’t-breathe laughter.
    Your nickname references have reminded me of a funny Dick story.
    You look fantastic! I second the poster who asked where you get your spunky clothes!

  67. Gayla

    The General Couch (pronounced cooch).

  68. Som

    I hate the word moist. And OINTMENT.NONONONO.

  69. Mia

    Have you been watching Along Came Polly by any chance? “Oh My God, man we have to leave now, I just sharted” or something like it!
    Mia

  70. Gabrielle

    I haven’t read all the comments, so someone may have touched on this, but my BIGGEST peeve is when people say “for all intensive purposes” instead “for all intents and purposes”. Arrrrrggggghhhhh!

  71. Hellkitten

    My fave substitute for the v-word has to be ‘lady garden’. I don’t have any detested words that I can think of but I do have some female friends that go into a 10 minute rant if someone is daft enough to compliment them on their ‘blouse’ … go figure 😉

  72. Sandra Flear

    I don’t get the moist thing either.. I thought it interesting that so many of the words people didn’t like were directly or indirectly related to women.. moist? aren’t we? and isn’t that cool? and what’s so cool about the word “penis” btw, sounds finicky to say, even if i like them an awful lot. What words we like, including female anatomy words, really has more to do with how we feel about what they relate to.

  73. kalki

    I love this photo. You are fabulous!

  74. Kent Hrbek

    Shart is genius. Poontang is pretty good though, you gotta admit.

  75. Rae

    Well, I’m here for the first time and I love you! Because I Hate with a capital H the words moist, preggers, and panties. I also can’t stand the non word irregardless, and I feel that it is a little frightening that most people don’t seem to know what is wrong with it.

  76. Lindsay

    We use “hootus”. Vagina is too clinical, pussy has negative connotations, this was a good middle ground for us. And fun to say!

  77. Willie

    Andrea, where to begin. Shart is funny. End of story. It is also tragic.
    There are so many great words for vagina: muffin, fur taco, snugglesville, the pink alien (I just made up 2 of those). 🙂
    The best list I’ve found is:
    http://www.starma.com/penis/muffy/muffy.html
    Best wishes for a safe and happy pregnancy.
    p.s. My favorite word is canker.

  78. Em

    Vagina = “cooter” here in the wild Utah west.

  79. Scout

    Well, Supergirl and I have come up with some pretty good names…..I think we’ve settled on the Grey’s Anatomy “Vah-Jay-Jay”. It makes us laugh.

  80. Pharma2007

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  81. lisa

    here at our home our third child says it as
    “kagina”…it is soooo darn cute that friends have called me up saying “hey, i asked jessie to say “vagina” today.
    happy mom thoughts to you!
    peace!

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