For many years, I tried to keep my life tidy, clean and tended to judge others who had drama… or perhaps, more accurately, complexity. I can see now that being above drama was the way I tried to manage my life, keep it simple and pared down because I wasn’t sure I was capable of managing the mess of a real, full, life.
Sometimes it feels like the failures (even the tiny ones) will destroy me, so it’s easier to say no than to say yes. But if you want to say yes to joy you also have to say yes to uncertainty. If you want to say yes to pleasure, you also have to say yes to risk. It’s like Brene Brown says, “You can’t selectively numb emotion. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive ones.” Saying yes to aliveness and joy might also mean saying yes to the discomfort of vulnerability, rejection, loss and all of the other things we prefer to avoid.
Anyway, every once in a while I realize that I’m living a life I never envisioned for myself – 44 years old, divorced, several boyfriends, 2 children, my own business… you get the picture. So apparently even when you try with all your might to keep things simple and tidy it doesn’t work out that way! Life is messy and full and I’m learning that that’s okay.
I consult with a whole stable of intuitives and they give me a curious kind of faith, of trust in how my life is unfolding. “It’s all been mapped,” Kelly said. “It was mapped before you got here. You can’t mess this up. There is no way for you to be off your path. Your only job is to breathe and not resist.”
And I think there are two camps of people – those who are horrified by this, by the idea that their free will has been compromised – and those in Camp B (like myself) who feel utterly relieved by this news.
“Your only job is to breathe and not resist.”
I practiced this in line at Target yesterday. There was an older woman behind me and a new line opened up. We both looked to see if the other was going to jump to that line. “Whenever I switch lines,” I said, “I end up in an even slower line. I’m going to stay put.” She laughed and agreed, staying in her spot behind me.
Then I told her that grocery lines were where I practice calming myself down and trusting that I’m exactly where I need to be, even if it’s slow, and I try to remember that there’s no real hurry. That I don’t need to resist what’s actually happening.
And I’m telling you this because I used to think that being in the slowest line was a kind of small failure- of falling behind, of wasting time, of doing it wrong somehow. And this is my way of saying to myself: I’m always in the perfect line. Fast, slow, no matter. I can’t mess this up. It was already mapped. Here I am.
P.S. We are going back to Bali again this May 8th-14th, 2017!
And made a delicious little video describing what’s in store for you!
If you are feeling that little tug on your heart, please join us. It’s an amazing place to open up and connect in deep and beautiful ways with yourself, the land of Bali and your new sister friends you will make when you arrive. It’s SO good!
You can see the video on our home page here.