When I had an astrological reading with Virginia Bell last fall, I couldn’t wait for this 2019 year to start. This is your year! She told me. This is the time when the pieces come together. You’re going to finally make real all of the things you have been working so hard to create. Well halle-freaking-lujah! I thought. I was especially hopeful when it came to finding my sweetheart.
After online dating for more than four years, I was getting, shall we say, fatigued with the process. At first all of the new people and adventures was exciting. It was fun to be out in the world again and be in this alternate universe outside of my mama duties. I would text girlfriends who were tracking me on first dates (I’m on a boat! I’m on a dairy farm! I’m at a watsu party where everyone is naked!) Even the terrible dates were great story material and helped me understand (by contrast) what I wanted and didn’t want in a partner.
I likened it to the process I went through in finding the right home after my divorce. It required that I go in and see a lot of houses to understand what my non-negotiables were. Did I want hardwood floors or carpet? Was a bathtub a must? Sometimes I would walk into a house and just know – I can’t write here. And so I wouldn’t apply.
After a while though, I found myself applying for super crappy apartments (ones that would have been much to small for me and my boys) out of sheer desperation and fear that I couldn’t actually have what I truly wanted. When I wouldn’t get the crappy apartment I would feel disappointed (even though I was clearly being protected by some greater force) Ultimately, I had to remind myself that I knew what a full yes felt like in my body. And I knew that when I felt that full yes for a home, it would be the right fit.
Finding home in another person turned out to be a similar pursuit. I pursued a lot of crappy apartments in the land of online dating too! 😉 And watched myself on that rollercoaster of hopefulness and excitement and then the inevitable plummet… The questions were also similar – Was I worthy of having just what I wanted? Was I supposed to not be so “picky” and just settle for something good? Could I be with the pain of not being chosen? Could I learn to set boundaries and assert my needs and desires?
Last December, I had my yearly reading with the psychic medium I have been consulting for years. For the very first time in four years she said, “You have a long term agreement coming in!” (This is her term for a long term relationship) My heart leapt. “I really like him Andrea. Super high vibration, an incredible communicator, really evolved, been doing his work for a long time.”
Then she started to describe him physically. He’s got dark wavy hair, he’s wearing it short right now, although he’s worn it long in the past, a prominent M in his name… “Let’s wake up this connection!” she exclaimed.
Five days later was Christmas eve. This is a notoriously hard week for me. The boys are with Matt and his family and I always forget the sting that Christmas morning brings. I imagine them bounding down the stairs to open gifts and I am far away… So I texted my friend Laurie. “Lonely Jew! Nowhere to go on Xmas eve!” She immediately texted back, “Oh my gosh, join me and Mark and the girls!”
Jesse wasn’t supposed to be there. But when Mark heard that I was coming, he and Laurie got to thinking. What would happen if we put Andrea and Jesse in a room together?
Well friends. You know where this story is going.
We chatted. We flirted a bit. I was immediately attracted to him.
At some point Mark sat next to me and said, What do you think of my friend Jesse? He’s an amazing communicator, super self-reflective… same words the psychic used to describe him. I looked over at Jesse, at his wavy dark hair and got chills.
This photo is my favorite of us, mostly because it shows my utter delight for this man. The relationship has had its complexities like any other, but we’ve had an unhesitating yes for each other from the beginning. For a long time we joked that we were high on resonance and low on content, because the feelings we had for each other were so deep and yet (with our complex parenting schedules) we had barely gone on many dates.
I could tell you many things about Jesse. I could tell you what an amazing dad he is and how much I learn from him as a parent. I could tell you about his playfulness and his wildness. I could tell you about the magic he makes in the kitchen and what a fierce advocate he is for those he loves and causes he believes in. I could tell you about the other night, when I was having an allergic reaction and my face was burning, how he carved up chilled watermelon rinds and placed them carefully on my face. 😉 I could tell you that it feels safe to tell him any truth, no matter how hard.
That full yes I was waiting for in a home? It happened when I walked into my dreamy little treehouse in the woods. I gasped when I walked in and said to the woman showing me the place, “Do I get to have this?” “Yes! She exclaimed. “What else do you want?”
We know what that full yes feels like in our body. It’s expansive, it’s uplifting, it’s like oxygen. Jesse feels like that to me every time we’re together. He is my full yes.
We get to have what we want sweet friends.
What do you want most?
Guess what? You get to have this. What else do you want?
Class begins, Monday, September 16th, 2019
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