Dear sweet community,
I’m so grateful for all of the support you extended to me over the last week. It was a comfort to know I had this web of love right here in my inbox! I’ve noticed that when I’m going through something difficult, I become so much more porous… open to every small kindness. I’m touched by the smallest of gestures, tear up at the most unexpected things.
My dad passed away on Monday – a very auspicious day, being Rosh Hashanah. He was so clear he wanted to go and I’m so glad he didn’t suffer for too long. He went from a healthy 86 year old (never having had a big health event) to passing in just a few short weeks. It was shocking and at moments excruciating, but also really graceful. There was beauty there too..
There was the brisket my sister was cooking wafting through the house that day, the candles burning in his room, Leonard Cohen songs playing on a little ipad next to him. There was the way my sister, brother-in-law and I all took shifts each night, putting morphine into his cheeks with tiny syringes and making sure he wasn’t in any pain.
There was the way he acknowledged every hospice nurse with so much gratitude. “You’re doing such noble work,” he’d say. “You’re terrific. Thank you for everything.” And just in case, he’d say, ”And by the way, can you just put me to sleep? I just want to float away…”
My father was kind, through and through. Saw the best in pretty much everyone (unless you were an ex-boyfriend that slighted me!) and moved with a gentleness that is rare and precious. He went out in the same way he lived – without resistance and with a deep surrender for what is. This was a huge gift to all of us this week.
He came into my life when I was about 3 years old and things were wobbly in our home. I still remember the day he came to the door to go on a date with my mom and offered me some blue Trident gum. I was instantly smitten. 🙂 I’m clear that part of his life purpose was to protect my sister and I and create a sweet sanctuary for us at home.
We played a Spotify shuffle of songs on his last day. And when he took his last breath, a Gordon Lightfoot song was playing – Carefree Highway. Remember that one?
Let me slip away on you
You’ve seen the better days
The morning after blues
From my head down to my shoes
Let me slip away, slip away on you
Let me slip away on you
I’m back in California now and when people ask how I’m doing, all I can say is bewildered. I’m hoping to have a good cry soon. But trusting my process and knowing it will come when it’s right.
Thank you again for being such a loving community,